A Revelation

Recently I have started to realize things in life, things that I wouldn’t necessarily have noticed had other things not changed. You notice these things when something changes in your self. I started to go to the gym, and thought to myself, “Why did I let things get this way?”

If you do not know what I’m talking about, that’s ok because perhaps you don’t even know me. So please, allow me to explain. I am 25 years old, single, live with family, morbidly obese, have a small group of friends, and generally wonder how this came to be. Now I am not saying that this makes me depressed or anything of that nature, but I often wonder if I had made other decisions would I be happier.

One of my personal philosophies is to live life with no regrets, which I admit is hard to do for everything. Yet I strive for it, choosing to do something and not letting my conscience control me after the fact. But now I start to wonder about collateral damage that I may have caused along the way. And not just collateral damage to others, but damage I may have caused myself as well.

For instance, when I choose to do something I analyze it, so that I can make a decision that is best for me and my beliefs, yet little regard is taken into account how it will affect myself and others in the long run. A live in the now type of attitude. Recently, I have decided that perhaps this isn’t the best way to live life. Should I really just live for the now, and ignore the future repercussions of my actions? Or should I start planning for the future, and make my decision based on that?

Seeing as I would like to change certain things about me, I must start to live for the future, otherwise I won’t have one at the rate I’m going. And if I do, it will be one that is lonely and scarcely what one would consider living.

I have recently begun going to the gym, about two months ago. Well my initial thoughts were, “I’m just doing this for something to do.” I have recently reflected and realized that it isn’t just something to do; rather it is something that needs to be done. The same can be said for my attempt to change my dietary habits by eating healthier, and trying to manage portion control. There has been some success at this, but not as much as I would have liked, but success is still success.

I have also recently begun thinking of my personal life. Why is it so empty? I have family, who is always there to support me in my goals and decisions…well maybe not all my decisions but for the most part. My friends are there when I need them, but even at that I generally decide to just do my own thing. Perhaps I should be more outgoing in life, and then things may change.

Now I could point the finger as to how this all happened at many a different thing, but why throw the blame elsewhere. I have always thought that I control myself and actions, and with that mindset, the only one to blame is me. To blame anyone or anything else would be contradictory to the truth, as clearly people have tried to help or put their insight on scenarios, but I made the decision. The decision to drop out of school, to be unhealthy, to remain single, to prioritize, to seclude myself, and to bottle all my emotions so others couldn’t really get close or truly know what I was thinking.

Well I guess that at this point, I am making the decision to change all of that. A decision to open up and let others in, to live life to the fullest; and to stop living just in the now. I see for myself, a healthier future one filled with close friends, happiness, and family; perhaps even one of my own in time.